Getting to know Pam Wright

Pam Wright is a Fibro sufferer, a life coach and author of 'The Fibromyalgia Coach', which Fibro sufferer Jill Sullivan reviewed here.

Jill also interviewed Pam about living with Fibro as a life coach.

Jill: How long have you been living with Fibro?

Pam:How long is a piece of string? The short answer is 2001 when I had to give up teaching because of it, and life changed radically. However, now knowing more about it I realise that I have had individual symptoms at different times since I was a child with ‘restless legs’ and ‘growing pains’. I had glandular fever when I was 18 and an operation on both feet a year later after which I now realise that my pain levels at that time were well out of the ordinary. I have always been aware of certain tender points physically which could be painful when pressed. So the more considered answer is that although the full effect of Fibromyalgia stopped me in my tracks in 2001, I’d probably been building up to that moment since I was a child.

Jill: For many people it seems a grieving process ensues once the diagnosis has been given. Would you say this is accurate and if so, do you think it is useful to acknowledge this?

Pam:A diagnosis can be a relief and a shock at the same time. How you feel is tied up with how much you already know, what health issues you have already experienced, and also in what way the diagnosis is presented to you. The relief of knowing that you haven’t got some terminal illness is tempered by the shock of realising that you are into a time of sudden and unplanned change where nobody can give you definitive answers. Frequently people are left to fend for themselves with very little tangible help. Communication with friends, family, workmates, employers, medical people and benefit agencies is still the single most difficult issue. You are still coming to terms with what’s happening to you on an ever-changing daily or even hourly basis, so explaining how you feel in a way that others can understand is difficult particularly as everyone has their own agenda. The feelings of loss of control and sudden lack of reasonable self-expectation are very real. I would say that it is useful to acknowledge that and to give yourself the space when you need it, but learning to take back control as quickly as you can is a great way of minimising the time that might be spent in a ‘woe is me’ downward spiral. With the right positive support many people move through the stages of grief quite quickly and realise that although life is different, the new way of living is can be even more balanced and fulfilling than before!

Jill: What do you think is the most important first step towards cultivating a positive attitude in relation to dealing with Fibro?

Pam:Fibromyalgia is manageable, but you need to start understanding yourself emotionally, mentally and physically so that you learn to recognise how to improve your lot. Emotionally as well as physically. Think of getting yourself better as very important work at this time. I regarded myself as my own work project (which helped me deal with the loss of going out to work). Take time to work on the real you by getting back to the basics of what makes you tick, what you really want to keep, and what you can let go of either temporarily or permanently. Make a list of what really matters to you. Put ‘My Health’ at the top of any priority list. There are many useful questions to ask yourself, but basically it’s time to bring the real you forward, and take the opportunity to think of redesigning your life and to plan what you need and want. I felt much better once I accepted that Fibro was now part of the new Pam. The old Pam believed that her needs weren’t important in the scheme of things, and that in any event, she was indestructible! Remember that no two people are exactly the same (even siblings) and what works for you may not work for someone else and vice versa. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with this, just your way. You have choices all the way, but remember it is your life, so it’s important to be as informed as possible and make those choices in line with what really matters to you personally at this time.

Jill: For many of us, dealing with GPs etc. has been quite problematic even after diagnosis. What would your approach be to effecting change in this area?

Pam:GPs are people. People are all different. Experience, values, character, self-expectation, life pressure, self-confidence and self-worth come into play in everyone’s daily life. There are lots of ways to effect change, most of which come from a shift in expectation or perception of the problems we are all faced with. We all became so used to being given a prescription when we are ill, that it is a huge shock both for the doctor and the patient when no such ‘magic cure’ is available for conditions such as Fibromyalgia. Some doctors are purely science-based creatures needing proof before believing even the existence of a problem. The fact that a diagnosis involves a process of elimination supports this view. If it can’t be proved, it doesn’t exist, does it? Wrong! Some take the easy way out by prescribing cocktails of drugs in a hurry that really need more time, discussion, careful planning and thought, particularly as trials have shown that two people may respond very differently.

Thankfully, science is constantly moving forward and so is an increase in the enlightened medical view that working together, sharing information and responsibility can help everyone move forward. There are an increasing number of NHS surgeries providing holistic therapies and other complementary medical help which support the idea that the mind, body, spirit connection is a force to be reckoned with on the path to becoming well and getting life back on track. It is up to all of us to take responsibility for as much as we can on our way back to better health, but also to keep lines of communication open. If you have a doctor who can’t or won’t listen, then change your doctor. There are many out there who will listen and whose support is helpful and affirming.

Most of the change will come from over 2 million people in this country becoming empowered enough to speak out when it matters. Plenty of them have already done so, which is why the understanding, acceptance and knowledge of how FM affects lives is forever growing. Much has improved, but there’s still a great deal to do. Communication is the key.

Jill: What have you found the most useful tool in helping you live your life with a positive attitude in spite of having Fibro?

Pam:No hesitation – Life coaching! Choosing to become a coach (even before I’d had coaching myself) was the best thing I could have done. As a divorced woman in my fifties living alone, I remember getting very angry. I love my teaching career, which had been a way of life more than a job! I had come through lots of medical operations and had survived breast cancer a few years earlier. I understood that Fibromyalgia is not clinically life-threatening, but is life changing so there was no way that I was ready to believe that I should just give up and be an invalid for ever more! I decided to take control at a pace I could manage. It took time but I was too ill to do anything else, so what did that matter? Coaching gave me a framework within which I discovered who, what, and how I am, as well as the skills to make realistic goals and plan the small steps to achieve those goals. Along the way I learnt not to be so hard on myself, to have fun, give myself credit for achieving things and to have a focus, enjoy feeling supported (not least of all by myself!), to cope better with conflict and to dare to speak up for myself effectively when necessary. My writing and “The Fibromyalgia Coach” came about through a longterm longing to write. I also had a goal about wanting to share more widely all the positive skills, real-life stories, understanding and experience I had gained from working with many great people across the UK all of whom initially just dared to pick up the phone for a chat. My style of coaching is a down-to-earth, positive way of moving forward which is particularly suitable for anyone who is having a hard time at the moment. The book is like having my support beside you when you need it. Some families are now finding it helpful to work on as a team approach to managing the effect of Fibromyalgia in their lives.

Coaching enabled me to become true to myself in all things, to worry less about competition, other people’s expectations, or how I may be perceived by an outsider. It enabled me to recognise that there are always options and solution-based questions to ask myself in order to move forward. Life challenges don’t disappear when you are ill, you still have to deal with so-called ‘ordinary’ issues, but of course when you feel ill, everything is magnified and seems more difficult than it would be otherwise. I continue to use all the coaching methods on myself, and feel privileged to be well and able enough now to work with others either on a one-to-one basis by phone, through my countrywide talks and workshops, or indirectly through “The Fibromyalgia Coach” book.

Jill: If there was one area that you would like to see changed in order to make life easier for those living with Fibro, what would it be?

Pam:There needs to be a best-practice, co-ordinated approach available in every town in the land in which up-to-date information, choices and options are given, an individual’s (and their family’s) needs and reality are taken into account and a plan of action, care and support is drawn up. Alongside that, a whole raft of complementary and helpful therapies from which to choose according to their preference, and other support (including employment and/or benefit help) would be available in what in effect would be a One Stop Shop. Self-help groups, workshops and fun stuff would be available too, not completely free, but certainly subsidised so as to include everyone who is dealing with the issues of a long term pain and fatigue condition such as Fibromyalgia. That’s the goal, now let’s work out the small steps to achieving it! Everything is possible.

Pam's book'The Fibromyalgia Coach' is available from her website - click here.

Jill's review of 'The Fibromyalgia Coach' is here.